Night Out In
by Blizzaarrdd
Summary: Tegan Quin and her wife Lindsey fall into complications, which leads Tegan to leave in a hurry of emotions - but her unplanned meeting again with her sister Sara may cause more issues than she had originally thought. (Quincest; Changing POV: check the POV next to the chapter number in the chapter navigation box.)
1. Chapter 1 (POV of Tegan)

As I sat alone in the living room of Lindsey and my's apartment, it started to set in that Lindsey still wasn't home. I looked over at the clock, and I grumbled at it when it read "1:24 a.m.". She was always home late, I thought to myself. She always seemed to be out with friends or at bars or something without me. I baled up my fist under the blanket that was wrapped around me on the couch, trying to control my slight anger with that girl. The TV shone around the room as it silently showed some sitcom of a mother and daughter or something, I wasn't really sure – I hadn't been paying attention.

I reached over for my beer on the nightstand when I heard the front door open. I twisted my head around behind me to see Lindsey waltz into the kitchen and open the fridge. I gritted my teeth at her back when she didn't say anything.

"Uh, hey..?" I said, rather harshly. Lindsey whipped around to look at me, surprised. "Oh!" She said with a smile, "I didn't know you were still up!"

"I was waiting for you.." I sighed as I stood up. "Where have you been?"

Lindsey turned back around and continued to rustle through the fridge as she spoke. I couldn't help but feel ignored even though she was talking to me.

"Oh, ya know, I was out with Shannon and April again," She moved bottles and bins around in the fridge, poking her nose into shelves and deeper into the cold, "They took me out to this cool bar for April's birthday. You should have seen the look on April's face when-"

"-Lindsey." I yelled, interrupting her story. She turned her head around to see me standing across the counter from her, arms crossed. She just stared at me with confusion, not knowing at all why I would be upset. I bite my tongue before sharply spitting out, "You've been gone all day; I've had to sit alone in this house by myself all night, and when you finally do come home – you just fucking ignore me." I glared at her, but my words failed to faze her. Lindsey just shrugged a little and put her hands above her head with a smug look on her face.

"Come on babe, don't be like that – I couldn't wait to come home to see you!" She said, trying to raise the mood. I just held my spot, getting even more irate.

"Yeah, the fridge." I snarled. At that, Lindsey seemed to loose her smug attitude. She stepped around the counter, walking up to me.

"Tegan.."

"Don't 'Tegan..' me! I'm mad at you!" I yelled, but despite my volume, Lindsey started laughing. She chuckled aloud as she walked close to me, moving a stray hair out from in front of my face.

"What the hell is so funny?" I asked, starting to ease up a bit.

"You, that's what. You're so cute when you're mad." Lindsey stopped laughing, and a softer touch appeared on her face. She reached down and took my hand in her's, and looked me in my eyes before talking again.

"Look, I'm sorry about being so late okay? I'm sorry about making you mad, I'm sorry about not noticing you, I'm sorry." Lindsey squeezed my hand a little bit and gestured behind her with her head.

"Let's go to our room so we can get some…sleep." She said with a pause, followed by a wink. I hadn't even realized that I had fallen silent, or that my mouth was open. Lindsey led me into our bedroom that was cluttered with trash and old clothes. But that was just the way we liked it, it felt homey. She closed the door behind us and gave me a little look that I knew all too well.

"Lindsey, I'm not in the mood for this." I grumbled, still trying to be mad at her. She flicked her hair out of her face and came up close to me, making me back up a few steps. She starred me down with a little grin on her face, continuing to move forward. I stepped back one foot at a time until I felt the wall against my back. I placed my hands flat against the wall keeping my eyes on her.

"Lindsey.." I said under my breath.

Lindsey bit her lip lightly, stepping up against me against the wall.

"Don't 'Lindsey..' me," she whispered, moving her hand around the curve of my hip, "We'll save that for later..".


	2. Chapter 2 (POV of Tegan)

Her lips pressed against mine as I felt her cold palm slide underneath my shirt and squeeze the fabric of my bra – tugging at it. Lindsey leaned against me on the wall, holding her face close to mine. I tried to not act like I wanted her, but it was just getting too difficult.

"Lindsey…I'm not in the mood for this…" I lied.

Lindsey seemed to ignore what I said since her hands continued to move around underneath my shirt. Soon one of her hands slipped underneath my bra, squeezing the breast. Her mouth pulled away from my lips, and with her eye slowly finding mine, she bit her lip at me, making a little noise. "Then you just relax...I'll do all the work"

After that, I just gave into her. I didn't fight back when she pulled me away from the wall, leading me to the bed. I didn't say anything when she shoved me back, making my body slam against the bed as she climbed on top of me. I didn't even remember what I was mad about when Lindsey slipped out of her shirt, and layed it over my eyes. The room went black through the fabric. I heard some more movement, maybe the sound of the lights turning off - but then I felt her fingers around my pants line. She leaned over me, placing her mouth close to my ear - whispering.

"Close your eyes baby, make yourself comfortable.."

Her fingers slowly unbuttoned my pants, pulling them off in a thrust as I heard them hit the floor.

Her hand slid around my thigh, squeezing it in her palm while her other hand moved to take off my shirt. The shirt came over my head, temporally moving the the fabric out from in front of my eyes.

Lindsey smiled a little bit at me, leaning forward again to kiss me. She pulled back and replaced the cloth over my eyes, making it all go blind again.

Her fingers slid around the rim of my underwear, making me shiver with temptation. Her lips kissed my stomach, moving up to my chest. She unhooked my bra, throwing that onto the floor too. Lindsey wrapped her arms around my back, forcing me into a sitting position. She pressed her hands against my back, moving them down. Her tongue licked around the skin of my neck, until her teeth took it's place. She bit down on it, immediately making me moan a soft tone. I gripped the bed sheet, turning my head to the side. Her shirt fell away from my eyes, letting me see her.

I couldn't just sit there much longer without doing anything, I just couldn't handle myself.

Lindsey sucked hard on the skin, moving around to different spots. I could feel the goose bumps forming on my arms when her cold hands pressed against my chest. I breathed out loudly against her touch. Lindsey laid me back down on the bed, still holding my skin in her jaws. She smiled down at me, a small grin that made my mind go crazy.

Her hands glided along the outline of my body, down to the curve of my hips. Lindsey watched her own hands before looking back at me, biting her lip. I watched her as her head went lower on my body. My fingers let go of the bed to grip and tangle into her hair. Her hands and fingers pressed around my hips and legs as she kissed around my inner thigh.

I leaned my head back against the pillow, looking up at the ceiling. I watched the white roof until my back suddenly arched out, and I couldn't help myself to let out a loud groan. When I made my sound, it seemed to even get worse. Lindsey moved faster, making my hands grip harder. My neck tensed out, my teeth gritted; I could feel a sweat bead fall off my forehead.

I could hear Lindsey giggle a little bit before her fingers took her lips place. She pressed down against me, moving quickly and thoroughly with her work. I closed my eyes, moaning softly, chocking on my own breath every so often. My thighs shook randomly, and so did my arms. My fingers started to ache from holding onto her head so tightly.

I squeezed my eyes shut, gritting my teeth even tighter - but when I couldn't handle it for then, my eyes shot open and my mouth opened wide as I screamed out a noise that made Lindsey stop. The sweat dripped over my face and eyes, and it took me a moment to catch my breath and realize Lindsey wasn't touching me. I waited another second, and when nothing happened, I leaned up to look at Lindsey. She wasn't looking at me, but in the direction of the bedroom door.

"Is...something wrong?" I asked hesitantly. My breathes started to slow, but I still couldn't keep a steady pattern.

Lindsey quickly tuned her head back to me in the darkness. She smiled a little bit, but something about her expression just wasn't right.

"Yeah, yeah, fine. Sorry about that."

I turned my head a little bit at her, "Then why did you stop..?"

She stared at me, trying to process her answer. Her pause made me even more suspicious.

"Erm-I just though I heard the front door open. But it was probably nothing." Lindsey smiled at me again and climbed up into my chest, leaning in close to my face.

"Don't worry TeeTee, everything's fine."

I couldn't help but smile at her. I didn't completely believe that's what it was, but I wasn't really in the mood to ask questions.

"Now, where were we?" Lindsey asked. She raised an eyebrow at me, and my smile grew bigger.

I knew I was blushing.

"Right here.."

I sat up, and pressed my lips sharply against hers. Soon all i could hear was the sounds of our desperate breathes, wanting more than just this kiss. My mind went insane, gliding my hands around her body, grabbing and pulling on it.

But then I heard a sound.

Something farther away than this room. My eyes darted towards the door. I backed up from Lindsey, watching through the darkness of our bedroom. Lindsey looked at me, and nervously turned my head back to her.

"I told you, it's probably nothing!"

She tried to kiss me again, but I pushed her back.

"No...I heard something this time." I said, slowly getting up off of the bed. I grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around me, walking away from the bed.

"Tegan! Wait!" Lindsey called. I ignored her. Something was weird about all of this. I don't know why, but I just had a funny feeling about it all. I walked to the door, and turned the handle. I heard Lindsey get up from the bed behind me, and something like her getting redressed quickly. I walked down the hall, wrapped with our blanket. As I walked, I heard a weird noise from the kitchen, like someone was making food. I kept walking, and soon i walked into the light of the kitchen, and standing in front of the fridge was a woman, a woman I didn't know.

She didn't hear me walk in, nor see me. She just happily continued to look through the fridge.

How the hell did she get in? Lindsey locked the door behind her when she walked in earlier, I heard it!

I cleared my throat loudly, causing the woman to turn around quickly. As soon as she saw me, her smile faded away to shock.

"What the hell are you doing in my house?" I growled.

She looked me up and down and snarled. "Me? What are YOU doing here?" I didn't know what to think at that. I just stared at her. We both had the same mad/confused look to each other.

But that's when Lindsey ran in. I turned around to see her behind me, looking more scared than I've ever seen her.

"Lindsey, who is this woman?" I asked, pointing in her direction.

The woman walked up next to me, pointing at me. "Babe, who the hell is she? And why is she naked in your house?"

"BABE?!" I yelled. The woman looked at me and then back at Lindsey. Lindsey didn't say anything; she just stood there like a statue, half naked and sweaty.

"Well?" We both seemed to ask at the same time.

Lindsey swallowed hard without a word.


	3. Chapter 3 (POV of Lindsey)

Tegan and Victoria both starred back at me, demanding answers. I didn't know what to do or say, because both of them wanted to hear the same thing - that I was with them and not the other. They both wanted to know what the other was doing here, but I just didn't know how to explain that.

I flashed back to a few hours earlier, at the bar with Shannon and April. We were having a few drinks, enjoying our time. I was in the mood for celebrating, and I wanted to have fun. And that's when Victoria and I met. She bought me a few drinks, got me a little drunk, and in the process - I ditched my friends to go off with a stranger at midnight. We went to the back of the bar to be alone, and to say the least, she got my address for round two at my place.

I couldn't think straight with all the drinks and shots I'd had, and I didn't even think about Tegan being home to see her.

We said our goodbyes, and I drove home. It was a miracle that I didn't get pulled over, because I made it home without a scratch. When I walked through the door, the lights were off, and the bedroom door was closed. Relived, I started to the kitchen to make food for Victoria and me.

I heard the TV on behind me, but Tegan and I had always left the TV on anyway.

Tegan...

And that's when I remembered. But a sound behind me cut through my fear, and I turned around to see Tegan staring at me. She looked so upset, but I had to play it cool and try to get her to go to sleep. I needed her gone so that when Victoria got here, I could tell her to go home.

"...I guess I got a little carried away...and I guess I was a little drunk." I finished saying to Tegan and Victoria. They both just stared at me, not saying a word. Victoria just looked mad, a kind of "how dare you" kind of expression - but Tegan...she looked so crushed. Her face was so broken, like I had just thrown a brick at her face, but I guess I actually just did.

Tegan stepped towards me, keeping her eyes on me. She shook her head slowly as I saw tears start to well up in her eyes.

"Lindsey..why would you do this to me?" Tegan asked hushly, barely even words. I set my jaw to the side, starting to feel a lump in my throat form, threatening me with tears. I didn't say anything to Tegan, and at my silence, a tear rolled from her eyes, and suddenly everything changed about her. Tegan's distorted face became enraged, and she barred her teeth and started to breathe out loudly. Her eyes fell to the floor, and her hands balled up in fists.

"Tegan..-"

Tegan turned around and pointed at Victoria, screaming so loudly that I felt like the room shook.

"GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! AND DON'T FUCKING COME BACK!"

Victoria rolled her eyes and muttered something before quickly strutting out of the front door, shutting it loudly behind her.

I watched her leave as Tegan turned back around to look at me. She breathed out loudly, shaking with sad eyes. I didn't know what to do, because I knew trying to comfort her would just make her even angrier. Tegan opened her mouth, as if to say something, but right as a noise escaped her mouth, Tegan's face welled up with tears, and she threw her hands over her face as she shoved past me - running into our bedroom and slamming the door behind her. I stood in the hall, staring straight ahead, still being threatened with those tears that I just hate so much. I turned my head around, looking at the door. Letting out a little sigh, I turned around and started walking towards the door. The hallway seemed longer than I remembered, and it seemed darker - but maybe I was just imagining that. As I walked, I passed several things that lined the wall. Pictures, old paintings, and metal art. One of those pictures caught my eye though, making me stop walking to look at it. I stood in front of the framed picture; it was probably the largest one on the whole wall. My eyes went over the image again and again, as I had already a million times before.

The picture was taken 2 years ago, out on a beach where no person had ever gone. Tegan and I sit with our foreheads touching together, and with our fingers intertwined. We were smiling so much; so in love; wanting the next years to be with each other and only each other. Those were the days that I loved so much, when we were just dating - just getting started. Not really knowing what was ahead of us, but not even caring since we had each other, and we were together.

But now I only had myself to blame. I ruined everything - I ruined this, I ruined us. I felt a tear roll down from eyes as I closed them to force the frame away from my vision.

I didn't want to loose Tegan. She was the only girl I ever really could say that I loved - she was the first girl. She showed me what a woman's touch felt like, and how much I really did want that.

How much I really wanted her.

I loved her.

I love her.

"I love her.." I whispered to myself. I opened my eyes again, looking at the picture, clenching my fists, feeling the tears pour out of my eyes as I ran to our bedroom door. I hesitated before opening it, but I shook it off and opened the door, bursting through it - flying into the room.

"Tegan!" I yelled through my tears, scanning the room for her.

But I suddenly couldn't stop crying when I realized she wasn't there.


	4. Chapter 4 (POV of Lindsey)

"Tegan? Tegan!?" I called through our bedroom. I ran into the bathroom, looking around corners for her. She was nowhere in the room - but that's when I noticed the backyard door open. I ran out through the door into the backyard, and when I didn't see her out there either, I ran around the corner to see that the side gate was open. For some reason, I figured that if I ran out into the street screaming her name, that she'd come back. And that's exactly what I did.

I stood in the middle of the street in the dark, crying my eyes out looking in all directions. I don't know why I thought I could find her.

_I need to do something..._

My hand found my phone in my pocket, and with the sudden realization, I grabbed it out of my pocket and dialed Tegan's number.

It had rung 5 times already when I suddenly had the thought that Tegan probably doesn't even have her phone. She ran out of here in just a blanket - why would she have her phone? But I was so desperate that I just kept calling.

On the third time I called, after a few rings, there was a sound at the other end. A sound like someone had picked up.

Through the silence, I could feel my body getting more and more anxious. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

"...Tegan?! Are you there?"

I heard nothing.

"Tegan please. If you just picked up please just say something so I know you're there - PLEASE!"

There was again silence, but right as I felt myself about to break down; a crackly voice spoke through the phone.

"Yeah...I'm here." Tegan said, sounding sad and rather far away from the phone. But she could still here me, she was still here.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. Please, you have no idea how much I regret every damn thing I said to that girl tonight and everything that-"

"-everything you did on purpose." Tegan said, cutting me off.

"What you said and did and wanted to do with that girl was all on purpose. You wanted her. You wanted her more than me. So I'm gone until you choose what you want."

The lump in my throat grew bigger, and my eyes burned for sanity.

"All I want is you Tegan, I promise you that! The thing that wanted that girl was alcohol, it wasn't my fault...!" I sobbed.

It sounded like Tegan sighed, but I couldn't tell if that was just static or not.

"You made the choose to go off with her. You told me yourself in the house that she was the one that got you actually drunk. You were aware of what you were doing beforehand. Stop making it not sound like your fault, because it is."

I was about to try to say something but right as I opened my mouth, the call ended. I stared at the blinking lights on my phone, wanting to not believe that this was happening. I didn't know if this was just a bump in the road, or if that phone call was just the end of our relationship.

Whatever it actually was, it was enough for me to go crazy; insane. My mind spurred, and my hands gripped onto my head as I fell to my knees on the sharp dirty pavement. That choking crying feeling that I hate so much pushed it's way through my throat, and I knew this night would be spent without sleep, and only more tears.


	5. Chapter 5 (POV of Tegan)

"Damn it's cold" I thought to myself. The wind blew past my bare skin as I walked, and my feet stung from the pavement. The only thing I was able to grab from the room was my cell phone that was sitting on the floor. I didn't want to stay in that house, but I didn't know what I'd do when I left.

I still didn't.

Wrapped naked in only a blanket, I slowly walked down the sidewalk in the dark. I had only hoped that a police car didn't see me, or someone worse.

As I walked, I felt my phone vibrate. I put it up to my face to read the screen, and it was no surprise that the contact was Lindsey. I didn't answer, I didn't want to. I let the call go to voicemail, but she called again, and then again after that.

I finally just gave in and pressed the answer button, but I held my breath against the phone, not saying anything.

I could hear an odd sound over the other side, like sniffling maybe, and then an "uhh.." sound.

After a few seconds, a voice broke out, a voice that made me have to hold the phone away from myself so that it didn't hear my crying.

"...Tegan?! Are you there?" Lindsey called from the other side. I held the phone out from my face, and held my other hand in front of my mouth, both stopping myself from saying anything and trying to not let her hear my sadness.

"Tegan please. If you just picked up please just say something so I know you're there - PLEASE!" Lindsey cried after I didn't say anything. I desperately wanted to say something, but at the same time I felt like I shouldn't. She didn't deserve my words now, but she knew how to get me to talk.

I could hear her breathing through the phone, and I knew I needed to say something.

"Yeah...I'm here." I whispered. Lindsey made a noise in relief, and started to apologize.

The phone call didn't last long before I hung up again, turning off my phone and clutching it tightly to my chest. I had still been walking that whole time, and I hadn't even realized that I was heading to Sara's house. Before long, I was on her street. Freezing to the bone out in the dark, cold night, I walked onto the porch of Sara's house.

I hadn't been here in months ever since what happened...Sara just wasn't the same after the band broke up, and now she just stays home every day. She became too isolated, never wanting to go out and spend time with me. Every time we did go out, we'd always run into a fan that recognized us. They'd start freaking out, and asking for a picture. I'd always comply, but Sara...she didn't want anything to do with them.

One time she actually grabbed the camera out of a fan's hand and smashed it to the ground. She was so aggravated that not even I could calm her down.

I stared at the front door, wondering if she'd even want to see me. I didn't have anywhere else to go though, and she was my only chance of not freezing on the street.

I hesitated before I rang the doorbell, and then waited a minute before ringing it again. I stood there for about 2 minutes until a light in the window turned on, and the door slowly peeked open.

"Why are you here?" A gravelly voice said sadly. I tried to focus on the dark face peeking out from the door, but I couldn't tell who it was - it didn't even sound like Sara.

"Sara...? Is that you..?" I asked, moving forward a little bit.

The person sighed, and the door opened all the way. Sara stood in front of me, but I could barely even recognize her. She was skinnier than ever, and her shirt was too small on her, showing her stomach that now had a belly button piercing. Her hair had grown out a bit, so much that she had it up in a ponytail that was loosely tied back.

"Come in.." Sara said as she turned away to walk back into the kitchen. I stepped into the house, closing the door behind me. The walls reeked of cigarette smoke, and the wallpaper was peeling. Things sat in boxes around the couch, and there were random objects and papers and books laid across a table.

Sara's house was pretty small, only one story - and there wasn't too many walls that separated each room. When I walked into the room that Sara was in, she was already looking at me.

"What's with the blanket?" She asked, then taking a puff from her fag. I looked down at the blanket around me, remembering the fact that I was completely naked.

"Something bad happened back at home...and...I just needed to leave. And the first place I thought of was here.."

Sara nodded smiling, but in a way that looked like she was annoyed. She shook her head, still smiling, looking up. "After everything that happened, and after not even speaking to me for months - NOW you come back?" Sara laughed a little at me, tapping out her cig in a ash tray next to her. "Fuck that." She hissed taking another puff, looking off into another direction.

"And plus, it's like 2a.m., why the fuck are you outside now?"

I could feel the lump in my throat start to form again, but I also felt kind of angry for some reason. I only said a name, one name that I didn't like to say in front of Sara. She hated that name, and as soon as I did say it, she stopped smiling and snarled her teeth.

"Lindsey...it's because of Lindsey."


	6. Chapter 6 (POV of Sara)

"Lindsey…it's because of Lindsey." Tegan sighed, looking down.

Damnit. Damn. It.

I hated Lindsey, I hated her so much. I can't believe Tegan was still with her, and whatever she did to make Tegan this desperate - she's going to pay for it.

"What she'd do?" I asked, breathing out smoke from my cig as I talked. I always hated the taste in my mouth after a smoke, but I loved the glossy feeling on my tongue while breathing out.

Tegan looked so distressed when I asked, but the look on her face looked so familiar. The sadness in her eyes, the way her body was slumped over - just everything about her. Something was so familiar. But maybe it was just her. I had been alone in this house for so long, I hadn't ever really been around people. Tegan was probably the last person I ever really was with, and now she's the first again.

Tegan sighed, "She cheated on me."

Each word shot into my heart, stinging with each breathe Tegan took to be able to harness the strength to say it.

My mind flashed back to a different night. A night that was nearly half a year ago. Lindsey was sitting on the couch next to me in the studio we were in at the moment. Tegan had just left to go do some recording, so now me and Lindsey were alone. I sat quietly on my phone, but Lindsey seemed uneasy. At one point, I had looked over at her and she was starring at the ground, looking like she was in deep thought. I didn't really pay any attention to her.

"Hey Sara?" Lindsey asked suddenly. I looked over at her from my phone; she was still starring at the ground.

"Yeah?" I responded.

Lindsey sighed a little bit at the floor then looked and turned her body to face me. Her body movement was a little close for my comfort zone.

"Has Tegan said anything about me lately?"

Her question was a little odd to me, I mean, they'd been dating for so long now. Tegan never really just 'talked' about her anymore.

"No, nothing really specific I guess. Why?"

Lindsey looked back towards the ground. "She's been so distant from me - I don't know - I mean…"

Lindsey smiled a little. "….nevermind. Just forget I said anything."

She kept her smile as she pulled out her phone, but I could tell that she was trying her best to force it.

I watched her closely, wondering exactly what she was worrying about. I wanted to assure her of Tegan, but honestly I didn't know what she was thinking about Lindsey.

I guess I could take a guess.

I put my hand on Lindsey's shoulder, which made her jump a little bit and turn to look at me.

I smiled a little, "Tegan and I have been really busy with recording and stuff - don't take too much of it to heart - she could just be stressed from all the work we've been doing." I smiled more again, squeezing her shoulder. Lindsey smiled back at me, nodding lightly.

"Thanks Sara…I'll keep that in mind." Lindsey said, but then she seemed to hesitate her movement a little, which caught my attention. She looked down quickly and then to me. Oddly enough, Lindsey leaned against me to hug me tightly. Her impact against my chest was so surprising that I held my arms at my side and made an "unf" sound. She continued to hug me on the couch, and after the surprise was over, I slowly rose my arms over her to hug her back.

Lindsey had never really hugged me before, I wasn't much of a hugger anyway, so I wasn't really sure what to do here.

"Thank you.." Lindsey whispered. I didn't understand how my small amount of words made it seem like they just solved all her issues, but either way, I hugged her back tightly as a 'You're welcome.'.

As we hugged, the studio room door opened, and Tegan walked in looking down at some papers. She looked up from what she was doing and saw me and Lindsey. She stopped walking. She just starred at me. Lindsey's back was to the door, but my head - being over her shoulder - was facing Tegan's.

Tegan looked kind of shocked at first, but her eyes grew sad, and her posture lowered more than it already was. Lindsey stopped hugging me and turned around to see what I was looking at.

"Oh! Tegan!" Lindsey said happily, "We were just talking about you!" She smiled and jumped up, running up to Tegan and giving her a hug. Tegan kept her eyes on me the entire time during the hug. They were questionable, wondering why exactly I was hugging Lindsey. I shook my head no, and Tegan shifted her mouth to the side.

I came back to present, and Tegan was in the middle of talking. I guess my day dreaming lasted longer than I thought.

"…the floor and I just ran out of the house. I didn't know where to go and I just sort of automatically came here." Tegan looked at me with sad eyes again, "I'm sorry.."

I watched Tegan, wondering so much why she was talking like this.

"Why are you being nice to me? Aren't you still mad?"

Tegan looked at me, and shook her head. "No. That was a long time ago. And it wasn't your fault, I know it wasn't."

I looked down at my feet and my mind flashed back to that night again. Lindsey, Tegan, and I were leaving the studio. As we walked out, Tegan stopped walking.

"Aw shit! I left my phone in the studio! I'll meet you guys in the car."

Tegan ran back in through the doors, and I watched her run down the hall. I turned away from looking at her to see that Lindsey was starring at me. My head fumbled, and I shot back in surprise.

"Oh uh, we should get in the car.." I said, nervously.

Lindsey shook her head silently, moved forward, and kissed me.


	7. Chapter 7 (POV of Tegan)

Sara stood blankly in front of me. She didn't seem to want me here, but she wasn't pushing me away either. She sighed, putting out her fag in an ash tray.

"Follow me." She said, walking past me. I watched her walk, turning a corner. I sighed a little bit too, following slowly behind her. We turned a few corners until we came to a door that was painted black. She put her hand on the handle, but didn't turn it. I looked over at Sara's face, but she was starring at the ground.

"Sara…wha-"

"You need to tell me something." Sara cut in. She didn't look at me, she just kept her eyes on the tile looking like she was about to cry. I nodded, choked up. "Yeah…sure." I said hushly.

Sara gripped the handle harder. "Do you miss it?" She asked, sounding of tears. I didn't understand her question…miss what? Her question was so odd until she opened the black door to reveille a room. Sara flicked on the lights, and the whole room lit up. Many things were framed and hung on the walls like album's, news articles, and magazine clippings about our band. There was a desk in the corner of the room that was littered with cut up magazines and different books. There was a book shelf by a TV set with several tapes and VHS' on it.

I stepped into the room, looking around at a relic that seemed so old to me. I walked up to a newspaper framed on the wall. It showed a picture of me and Sara, right at the prime of our carrier. We were smiling, standing next to each other on a red carpet. The date on the article was "November 2nd, 2013". Those were the days when our career really flew, when we had our name in lights. The headline for the picture was, "TEGAN AND SARA: NEXT BIG THING OR THE ONLY THING?"

I smiled a little and moved to the right, looking at the next framed newspaper. This one showed a picture of Sara smoking a fag on a staircase, looking away from the camera while I sit behind her starring at the camera. The headline read, "HOW MUCH CLOSER ARE THE TWINS THAN WE THINK?"

I moved to the next article without thinking, now becoming anxious. No…I thought to myself as I kept reading the different headlines.

"TEGAN AND SARA OR TEGAN ON SARA?"

"THE QUIN TWINS 'DIVIDE': WHERE DID THE CEST GO?"

"TEGAN QUIN SPEAKS OUT: 'WE DON'T WANT TO TALK!'"

I stopped reading them. My eyes were welling up with tears and I couldn't take remembering all of this again. My eyes looked around for something to look at, but only my eyes caught Sara. She was still standing by the doorway, holding her arm, watching me.

"Even though it all happened…do you miss it?" Sara asked horishly. I didn't say anything, because I wasn't sure. I really did miss the band, I missed the tours and the fans and the music - I missed all of it. But Sara and I didn't want to deny something anymore, and when we came out, no one liked it. Not the press anyway. We lost so many fans - some hated us, and some loved us even more. But it just wasn't the same after that.

I shook my head at Sara, "No…I don't miss it." I said. Sara looked crushed, gripping her arm and looking at the floor. I walked up to her, putting my hands on her forearms. She looked up at me with sad eyes, and I couldn't help myself but smile.

"But I did miss you."


	8. Chapter 8 (POV of Sara)

Tegan held me close to her, wearing a soft smile on her face. Her words caught me off guard because it was nothing I ever expected her to say. She missed me? How could she miss me? My mind flashed back again to a few months ago, the same night I was imagining earlier.

Lindsey pulled back from the kiss, and I stood dazed. She didn't have an expression on her face either, which made everything else here so odd. Tegan came running back out of the building, panting. "Sorry about that you guys! Let's get going!" Tegan was smiling, but it slowly went away when she saw the look on our faces.

"Everything…okay?" She asked. Lindsey looked at Tegan and smiled a little.

"Yeah, it's fine." Lindsey said as she walked away from me to the car. Tegan walked past me to get in the car as well, giving me a questionable look as she passed.

My mind skipped to a different day, a month later. Tegan stood by the door of my house, in tears. I couldn't look at her, it was just too horrible.

"I'm sorry Sara…I can't do this anymore. After everything and the things with Lindsey…I love you, but I can't stay here." Tegan looked down and said "I'm sorry." again. She opened the door, turning to leave. I looked up, seeing her walking out of the door. I couldn't do it. I didn't want this. This wasn't supposed to happen.

It wasn't my fault..

I ran up to Tegan, screaming as loud as I could through my tears. "PLEASE! TEGAN! DON'T LEAVE ME!" I fell to my knees clutching onto her pants. Tegan burst into tears as she shook me off and ran out the door, leaving me to sob uncontrollably in my door way, screaming to the world of my sadness.

Aching, my mind jumped again. It jumped to a few weeks later. I sat alone at a bar, sipping a drink that a friend had bought me but now she was off with someone else. I starred into the drink, sliding the liquid around in the glass. A woman sat down next to me, laughing a little. She smelled like cigarette smoke.

"Hey there baby." She said, sounding drunk.

"Hey." I said, uninterested.

She looked around and chuckled. "Baby you look like you could use a smoke!" She pulled out a fag from her shirt pocket and held it out to me. "Here, it's on me."

I looked at the cig and shook my head. "No thanks - I don't smoke." I said, looking back at my drink.

"Come on!" She pushed, "They'll help you chill out! Here, I even have a lighter." She picked up my hand an put the lighter in my fingers. "Keep it!" She exclaimed, holding out the cig again.

I looked at the small stick and thought for a second before I gave in and reached for it, putting it in my mouth and lighting the end. At first the taste was rough and dry, but after a few more puffs, I felt my brain relax and a smile form on my face.

Then I saw something different, it was my house, sometime after that that I couldn't remember. I sat alone on the couch, a beer in one hand and a lit fag in the other. I hadn't slept in days, and by the way the sun was rising - I didn't think today was going to be the day.

And then I came back to the present, in front of Tegan. She still held her gaze on me. After thinking about the past so much, Tegan's face stood out to me. She looked so different than she had a year ago. But I missed her too. I missed her so much, more than I ever thought I could. I missed the way she looked at me, I missed the way her hands fit in mine, I missed the way she smelled. Just everything about her, I craved her here next to me.

I leaned against Tegan's chest to hug her, and we stood there in the smokey room that was covered in forgotten dust. I felt a tear fall from my eye as I squeezed her in my arms.

"I missed you too…I missed you so much." I choked out.


	9. Chapter 9 (POV of Lindsey)

"Damnit..!" I exclaimed loudly to myself. I couldn't think straight right now, and my hands didn't want to type correctly on the computer. Tegan had been gone for over 3 hours now, and the sun was starting to come back up. The computer was my only distraction from thinking about her, but it wasn't working very well since the Internet kept crashing.

"Sh..fuck this. I need a drink.." I sharply sighed. I walked into the kitchen and started pouring the thick brown liquid into a glass. Sipping it, I checked my phone for the hundredth time to see if Tegan at all had called or texted me. As I had guessed - she hadn't.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Lindsey..."

I took another sip from the glass as I flipped back an forth between pages on my phone. Then, a certain app caught my eye. It was my "find friends" app. My eyes opened wide when I suddenly remembered that this such app existed.

"I can track her...I can find where she is..!"

I clicked on the app, and after it loaded, I searched for Tegan's phone. It took a few seconds, and the waiting was horrible - it felt like it would never load. But when it finally did, a small map popped up.

"Yes!" I exclaimed loudly to myself. This was the first time I had smiled all night. The address she was at wasn't familiar to me - maybe it was one her friends or something. No matter who's house it was, I map quested the address and grabbed my keys.

"5201 Greenville road...why does that sound so familiar..." I kept looking at my phone as I drove through the dusky morning. The roads slowly began to look more and more like something I knew, but I still couldn't figure out why.

"5201...alright, this is it." I pulled my car over by the sidewalk. Tracking Tegan again, it said she was still in the house. Taking a breathe; I took my steps up to the door. The door was old ad worn down, and I could smell the thick smell of cigarette smoke from out here. Couldn't imagine what it was like inside.

Hesitantly, I rang the doorbell. There were muffled voices from inside the house, but no one opened the door. The curtains in a window by the front door moved a little - probably someone trying to see me.

I stood there awkwardly not knowing what to do for a while, but then I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I plucked it up to read that it was from Tegan. My eyes darted back to the window and then back down to my phone as I opened the text.

It read: "What are you doing here?"

I thought for a moment before replying: "I'm here to talk to you. And I'd rather talk to you in person than through a phone."

I pressed send and watched the messages for a reply. My fingers tapped against my phone as I waited, but there was no reply. Frustration overtook me, and I finally just pulled the phone away from my eyes and yelled to the door. "Tegan! Just let me in!"

Silence.

"Tegan!"

I heard something like wind behind me.

"Please, Tegan!"

Silence once again.

A sigh released from my lungs as my head hung on my shoulders. I knew she was inside, but I also knew she wasn't going to open the door. Everything told me to give up, but I was determined. I knocked my knuckles hard against the door, gritting my teeth. I knocked harder and harder but suddenly my hand flew forward without hitting anything as the door opened.

I pulled my hand away to my side, starring at the person in the doorway.

"Hello Lindsey." Sara hissed through a cigarette.


	10. Chapter 10 (POV of Lindsey)

"Wha-what...?" I stuttered out. Sara leaned onto one hip, flicking out her cig. What was she doing here?! Sara and Tegan didn't even speak to each other anymore...at least by as much I knew. Through my shock, I realized now how much stronger the cigarette smoke had gotten after the door opened. The smell made me crinkle my nose in remembrance. I hadn't smoked a fag in years, and this wasn't helping be hold back.

"What are you doing here?" Sara spit at me. Her eyes looked me up and down quickly, grimacing at what was standing in front of her.

"I-I'm here for Tegan..!"

"She isn't here." Sara said quickly as she started to close the door on me. My hands shot out and braced the door open, forcing half of my body to be in the house. Sara's face was close to mine now, and I could finally see her in detail. She barley resembled Tegan anymore - a few wrinkles covered her face and her eyes had dark circles surrounding then.

"Get out." Sara hissed.

"Not without talking to Tegan." I glared at Sara, staring her down. She narrowed her eyes at me, mouthing "get out" slowly. I shook my head at her, stepping farther into the house.

"Let me in Sara. I know she's here."

"Would you just get the fuck out of here Lindsey! We don't wan-"

"WE?!" I yelled, not realizing that I said that so loud.

"Yes. We - Us. And that doesn't include you." Sara shoved against me, trying to push me out, but I pushed back against her shoulder. I gritted my teeth at Sara feeling my knuckles tense and my chest tighten. She wanted me to leave, and she was willing to fight me out. But I wasn't going anywhere until I at least talked to Tegan.

"Sara. I'm asking you one more time. Move."

Sara smiled at me a little bit, a smile that ignited flame in my eyes.

"You didn't say please." Sara lunged forward with her first raised in the air. Closing my eyes, I braced myself for the impact - but it never came. I opened my eyes to look at Sara who had her head turned around.

Tegan held Sara's arm in the air, gripping it tightly where it was. Sara stood shocked as she starred at Tegan. My eyes were only on Tegan's face, and her eyes were on mine.

"T-Tegan.." Sara muttered. Tegan turned her head to look at Sara. Her hand seemed to grip onto Sara's wrist harder.

"Stop it." Tegan said simply, with no sound of bitterness or anger behind it. Sara's face became soft, nodding at Tegan, lowering her arm back to her side.

Tegan let go of Sara and looked over at me as I still stood against the door.

She shifted her lips to the side, walking to me. She gapped her mouth, breathing quietly as my eyes watched her every move. I suddenly had forgotten where we were, or why. All I could remember was that I missed Tegan - so much that I never really thought she ever left. It was just us, standing in a doorway of our house. Tegan walked closer to me, touching my sleeve. She slid her fingers across the fabric, gazing into my eyes. Her stare made me feel so warm, like everything was actually going to be okay. I smiled at her, reaching for her hips so that I could pull her close to me and finally kiss her again.

My hands wrapped around the curve of her hips, and as I started to lean into Tegan, she whispered softly to me, "Please...leave."


	11. Chapter 11 (POV of Tegan)

Lindsey's happy face phased into terror from my words. Her hands on my hips gripped my shirt, like she was desperately trying to keep me with her here. I shook my head at her, and she shook hers back in denial.

"No..." Lindsey whispered. I closed my eyes, holding her shoulders. I didn't know what to do now. I could feel Sara behind me starring - watching us. I needed to make a choice now, one that's been long overdue. I needed to choose who I wanted to spend my life with, but both people that stood with me...I just couldn't imagine my life without them.

Sara: my sister, my best friend, the person that shares my face. The girl I spent years on stage with, singing our hearts out to people screaming our names. The girl that loves me no matter what I do or what I am, because she is me.

But Lindsey: the girl I've fallen in love with over so many years, the girl I chased after for four years with doubt following me the whole way. The girl that I wake up to every morning in our bed, so beautifully curled up next to me. She's always been by my side, even through all the troubles, I always ended up next to her.

But that also seems to go for Sara too. It seems that my love for both of them is almost the same, but then entirely different. I had seen a future with Lindsey, a family, a life. I always wanted to grow up and old with her on a porch, telling her everyday how much I loved her.

I had always wanted that, and now that I stand here in this doorway, holding onto Lindsey, seeing her crushed face of having to leave...I wanted it even that much more badly.

I opened my eyes again, looking right into Lindsey's. Her eyes were soft, slowly filling with tears. I put my hand on the side of her cheek, caressing it.

"Please...leave this place. I'll meet you outside.."

Lindsey's faced filled with hope, and with my words, she nodded silently moving away from me. As she disappeared into the front of the house, I closed the front door, turning to look at Sara.

"Sara..."

"Just go. I know you want to be with her more than me. Go." She balled up her fists, holding herself back from running away from me. Her whole face flushed red, and her eyes and mouth just twitched with sadness, desperately wanting to cry and scream and panic. I got closer to Sara, but my movement made her back away.

"No Tegan. Stay away from me. Just get out of here!" I gritted my teeth inside my mouth, rushing forward to hug Sara tightly. She scrambled in my arms, yelling loudly to let her go. I didn't say anything as I held her, and as time passed, Sara began to calm down, and soon she sank down in my arms like a small child. We stood there hugging, with the only sound coming from Sara's sniffling.

"I'm sorry..I'm sorry..." Sara cried out quietly. I hushed her, squeezing her a little bit in my arms. But she shook her head.

"I'm sorry Tegan.."

"There's nothing to be sorry about Sara..."

Sara pulled away slightly from our hug to look at me, biting her lip.

"No. I'm sorry for ruining the band. I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you all of these years after. I'm sorry for almost breaking you and Lindsey up.."

Her face welled up and she slammed her face into my chest, wailing loudly.

"I'M SUCH A FUCKING SCREW UP!"

I grabbed Sara by her shoulders, pulling her away from me.

"You're not a screw up!" I yelled at her. Sara continued to cry, shaking her head quickly.

"Sara! Sara! LISTEN TO ME! You've never done anything wrong okay? Anything you've ever done, I was there too. I did this too. I'm the reason everything happened."

Sara kept her eyes on the floor, "How do you know that?"

"What..?" I asked quietly.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?! How do you know that I've never done any of this on purpose?!"

"BECAUSE I'M YOUR SISTER!" I screamed, not really thinking. Sara's face went emotionless at what I said. She stood there staring at me, waiting for me to continue.

"I'm your sister.." I repeated, "I'm your twin Sara. I know you. And we've been in this together since the start. And it's not going to end here.." I pulled Sara in to hug me again, and this time, she didn't fight back. "We're in this together, whether you or I like it or not…and that's just what I want." I skipped a breathe feeling the cold air around us.

"I love you Sara.."

"I love you too Tegan.." Sara breathed out shaking. I knew it must have taken some effort to be able to say that now, but I knew she meant it. Because I meant it to her.

I pulled Sara away from me, stroking her head lightly.

"I have to go now, but I'll be back soon. I promise."

Sara nodded at me sadly, but I could see the happiness in her eyes, like she really did trust me.

I watched her as I walked out of the door. Closing it, I turned around to see Lindsey standing in the front yard. I walked up to her, taking her hand and kissing her cheek lightly.

"Come on, let's go home." I said with a smile.


	12. Chapter 12 (POV of Sara)

Tegan shut the door behind her as she walked out of my house. Almost automatically, I rushed to the window that looked out into my front yard. I watched as Tegan and Lindsey's eyes met, and Lindsey just had this amazingly relieved look on her face. They took hands with each other, and Tegan kissed Lindsey before they started walking away. I watched them the whole way to their car from my window, clutching the blinds in between my fingers. I felt like it was wrong to watch them, like I was invading them in some way, but I couldn't look away. I wanted Tegan to stay so badly, but I knew I had to let her go. After everything that had happened a few years ago, I couldn't let it all happen again.

It just wasn't fair to Tegan. She finally accepted the glares and media, and she finally got over everything while I still hadn't. All the old fans who run up and ask us to kiss each other, all the people who still post on the Internet about the articles from years ago - all of the shit I was so sick of - I just couldn't let it go. But I had to for Tegan's sake. She wanted everything to go back to normal so badly, and I was the only reason it all went to hell, so I needed to give her that and just ignore these feelings I was having.

By then, I realized I had been starring off into space through the window at the empty street where Tegan had just been.

I let out a sigh, and turned around to go back to the dusty memory room. I took one last look at everything there, and then shut the door again for another long solitude locked.

I walked into the living room, clutching my arms, sliding my feet across the tile as I moved.

"You fucked up.." I said aloud to myself.

"But I just hope she's not lying about coming back this time.."

I sank down into my couch in the dark, scanning the empty room. Pictures of smiling Tegan and I lined the walls here, but they weren't about our band, they were just us. Just pictures we had taken over the years; just moments that I wanted to remember. They made me smile even though they were the last thing I really wanted to look at right now. I pulled my eyes away from the pictures and picked my phone out of my pocket, opening a new text message. I started typing in Tegan's number, but right as I was about to finish, I shook my head in frustration and screamed out loudly as I threw my phone across the room. It slammed into the wall, crashing loudly against a lamp. I burrowed my face in my arms, falling over onto my side on the couch. I cried reluctantly, sobbing loudly into my shirt. I screamed out gibberish into my house, letting my voice echo and carry as far as it did because I didn't care right now who heared me. My fingers gripped tightly onto a pillow that was luring on the couch, and as the minutes passed, my tears became quiet, but I still had that chocked feeling in my throat.

I didn't know exactly why I was crying so badly, but something about Tegan had triggered it. I wasn't even thinking about being upset when I wanted to text her..well, I didn't even know _what_ I was going to text her. My mind was just a broken mess right now, and no thoughts could go through it very easily. All I knew was that I wanted my sister back - like what we used to have...like what are in the pictures. I didn't want to have these feelings anymore, I didn't want it to be that every time I look at her, I don't just see a girl – I see something more. And I hated it, I hated myself for it. I just wanted to have my sister back and only my sister. We looked so happy back then.. I needed it back. I needed it to survive…

I needed her.


	13. Chapter 13 (POV of Tegan)

Lindsey and I pulled away from Sara's house, driving down the rising sun street. Lindsey sat in the drivers seat, glancing over at me continuously before checking the road again. I leaned my back up against the car door, facing her in my chair. I just kept starring at her..it's like I couldn't look away. For some reason I was so drawn to Lindsey again. I don't even know why, just something about her showing up and fighting for me like that just...I don't know. It changed something about me.

_Wet skin, soft touch, hands graze against my breast...oh why is this going so quickly?_

The memory fazed in and out quickly. I didn't react to my thoughts, but I didn't even know what it was. I kept starring at Lindsey as she reached over and turned on the radio, playing a soft rock channel.

_Her hair was draped over her eyes with her mouth wide open, breathing quickly over me. Was the gasping coming from me or her?_

I bit my lip quietly, shifting uncertainly in my seat. "Oh god.." I thought to myself. I didn't want to have sexual thoughts about Lindsey right now, this wasn't an okay time to be horny. I tried to pull my mind away from those images but now they flooded into my eyes in depth, coming with the feelings and tingles that it originally gave.

_Te...Tegan..." she breathed out. Her hips grinded against mine as her hand separated us. I threw my head back on the bed, squeezing my eyes shut, but my body couldn't hold in my contemption much longer and my lungs erupted with a moan, forcing my eyes open and my back to arch out...but that only made things worse. She leaned over me, pressing her hips against mine, gliding her tongue around on my chest, tracing my erect nipples. The tingle against my chest made me grit my teeth, holding onto the bed from the odd mixture of pain and pleasure._

"Are you alright Tegan..?" Lindsey asked as she turned a corner. I blinked at the air, and shook my head as I came too again.

"Uh..yeah, I'm fine. Just trying to stay awake.." I smiled a bit and looked around the car. Lindsey smiled at me and looked back at the road. As I sat there, I realized that my hands were holding onto the edge of my pants, and as I shifted in my seat, I felt my face flush at the feeling of my slippery thighs.

_She moved up, sliding her hands around my bare, sweaty skin. She wrapped her lips around my neck, kissing it and nibbling with precession. A chocking feeling filled my throat as my legs trembled in temptation as I just laid there on the bed with her hovering over me. She moved away from my neck, hanging her face right above mine, and my memory started to fade away again when I saw the face of the girl was Sara's._

My eyes opened wide, and my hands let go of my pants. Wha-what? That was Sara the whole time?

_"T-Tegan.." She breathed out. Her voice was so hushed and crackly as her fingers found warmth._

That memory repeated itself, and now I realized the voice. It was Sara's. And as I thought about it, in the memory, I did actually notice one of Sara's tattoos.

"Oh god.." I thought again, but this time it wasn't because of the thoughts themselves, it was because they were about Sara. I didn't want to recall those things, not now...and not ever. I needed to leave those things in the past. I did something stupid in her house just a while ago. I shouldn't have let myself get close to her...fuck, I shouldn't have even gone to her house! But what else was I supposed to do? After everything that happened with-

My eyes looked up at Lindsey, who was completely oblivious to my discomfort. I don't even think she had looking over at me at all recently. She just...drove. Like everything was fine. Like everything that just happened wasn't a big deal. But...it was a big deal.

It was a big deal to me.

_"Sara...Sara...Sara slow down...Sa-SARA!" I screamed her name on the bed, watching her smile grow bigger and bigger as I grew weaker and weaker. She loved being in control over my body, and right now I think she loved it too much._

I didn't try to shake the thoughts this time, because as I watched Lindsey, my hopes for keeping her with me started to become as much of a reality as these memories were.

_"Relax Tegan...I'm not even close to done with you.." Her words echoed through the silence, and before I could start to wonder why it was so quiet, a small 'buzz' came through the darkness, and soon the loud vibration slide it's way around the curve of my inner thighs - causing me to choke on my breath._

I felt a sweat bead fall down the side of my forehead. I couldn't help it now, these escalations were getting intense, and I wanted to remember how it ended.

I wanted to know so badly now. My fingers slide under my thighs in my seat, trying desperately to cease the thumping want between my thighs. It took more effort than I expected to hold my own hand back.

_We laid in silence on each other's chests, flat against the bed; just listening to each other's soft breathing._

I guess the memory skipped. God damnit, I wanted to remember...how it ended. Oh well..

_"Tegan?" Sara asked quietly._

_"Yeah?" I responded, turning my head to look at her. Sara's eyes looked dejected, but it was hard to really see through the dark room. She didn't say anything as she moved her head on my chest a little bit._

_"What is it Sara?" I asked. She looked up at me now, smiling a little bit._

_"I love you Tegan..."_

_I reached up and held Sara's face in my hand, watching her wet eyes as I felt mine do the same._

_"I love you too Sara."_


	14. Chapter 14 (POV of Sara)

I woke up silently on the couch to the morning sun shining through the window. A blanket covered my stiff body, and my eyes were crispy and dry. They blinked at the room, remembering the reason why I had fallen asleep on the couch. My tongue ached for it's breakfast, desperately needed it's nutrients after a whole night of being deprived. Sitting up, I reached over to the ash tray and grabbed a fresh snack, lighting it and placing it between my lips. My tongue gasped in pleasure, and my lungs wheezed with satisfaction.

My bare feet stung on the cold floor as I moved across it, blowing out smoke as I walked. I slipped on some shoes and grabbed a coat as I proceeded towards the door. It opened with a creak, and the handle was sticky.

The early morning chill bit at my nose, but my arms held my jacket close to my body. My feet shook as I walked down the sidewalk over to the front lawn, where the newspaper lay. I picked it up, shaking off the dew. I had always loved being outside in the morning, but I never really did it anymore. I never went outside and enjoyed the sunlight or the air or the trees. It was all here, just right outside my front door, but I just couldn't ever break myself from my couch.

My throat cleared loudly, and my feet carried me back inside the house.

The day proceeded incredibly slowly, with horrible recalltions from the night earlier, making me have random crying fits that I couldn't break myself out of. Before I could realize it, it was almost 9 p.m. I stood in front of a mirror, gazing down at myself. My choppy short hair hung dirty on my head, and my arms grew thin and boney at the sides. I lifted up my shirt to expose my sunken stomach, caved in on itself. I touched it gently, feeling my ribs and skin that begged for care. I looked to my right to see the shower, and without another thought, I walked over to the glass and turned the water on. A waterfall erupted out from the nozzle, and I stood dazed just watching the water pour out. My mind rung, not really thinking of anything, but just completely and utterly stoic. Not exactly calm, but more of a quiet headache. Focused on the water, my face was blank and I rocked on my heels from slight loss of balance. The room was so quiet behind the water. As I turned the handle, the heat from my sanctuary fazed onto my skin, making my pours open. I stepped out of my jeans and shirt, placing them on the counter. The mirrors started to steam up.

I watched myself in the faded reflection as I unhooked my bra, pulling it away from my skin and letting my breasts fall free. They themselves were still young looking, not at all fazed by my smoking or age. They were plump and rich, still having a blue vein run up the side. I poked one of them, letting it jiggle lightly at my touch.

My thin underwear fell to the floor, and now that I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I turned away from it, no longer wanting to stare at an image of a lost child.

The water was hot against my body, so much that my pale skin shined red from overheat, and my nipples became erect when I placed my hands over them. I held my head back, letting my neck stretch out below the water and feeling the stream of forgiveness wash over me.

I stood there below the water, just feeling it's touch. I spun a little bit, letting it cover me fully. The lights were off, and so the stillness and darkness made me feel at ease. But through the calmness, I wanted to sing. I used to always sing in the shower, but I hadn't in years. I closed my eyes, trying to think of a song, and when I began to sing, I had to choke it out through the beginning of tears.

"Sensitive...it's true.." I started to sing hoarsely. I squeezed my eyes, remembering. Remembering the lyrics and music. Remembering Tegan. Remembering everything. I choked on my tears, but I started again.

"Sensitive...it's true, alligator t-"

I stopped again to catch my breathe.

"-tears, cried over you."

I leaned forward, pressed my head against the tile wall.

"Run around on me, soon to die without.."

I spat out a noise interrupting my singing. I couldn't tell whether the stiff wetness of my face came from the shower or my eyes.

"Run around on me..."

I wheezed, barely speaking.

"Die without."

I knocked my head on the tile repeatedly, slowly feeling the pain in my brain build up as the tears fell down, and the sound of the shower drowned out my scratchy singing in the dark.

"Over you, over you."

"Over you, over you."


	15. Chapter 15 (POV of Lindsey and Tegan)

I pulled the car back up to our house, almost arriving at 7 in the morning. I shifted the gear into "park" and sat back in my chair - silence. Tegan turned her head awkwardly, looking around, and patting her thighs.

"You've been rather...quiet. Is everything alright?"

Tegan looked up at me and smiled, "Yeah, I'm fine - just a lot on my mind." I mulled over my response, saying it too quickly, "Do you want to talk about it..?"

Tegan stared at me and I stared back, sitting in complete silence that was hard to breathe in. Finally, after much thought, Tegan shook her head. "No, it's fine - really. Let's just go inside." I nodded at her, undoing my seat belt and stepping out of the car into the cruelly cold autumn morning.

Our house was how we had originally left it - our bedroom ruffled and warm, having all the contents of the bed thrown across the floor; sadly leaving the message of what happened a day earlier. Hard to believe it had only been a day. Not even 12 hours actually. I looked up at the clock to read it. "11:37 a.m." The day proceeded slowly, and very very quietly.

I awoke to an empty bed, but I just assumed that Tegan was sitting on the couch in the living room, curled up with the mornings newspaper. That's what she always did when she was upset about something; just sat in that room to be alone with a few pieces of paper.

Standing alone in our bedroom, I again looked around at the condition of the room. It had always been rather messy, but now that I looked at it - it didn't feel like home at all...it felt like madness. Madness in a hurricane - like it was just a mess that would keep growing if no one contained it. It made me feel anxious actually - surrounded by so much clutter.

Taking an old shirt in my hand from in front of my feet, I walked it over to a hamper that had almost nothing in it. But now it had a shirt. Just a shirt. It was only a shirt, but it felt so painful to be almost...throwing it away. I spent a long while in the room, taking all the clothes and fabrics up from the ground and putting them in the hamper, all more painful than the last. I was changing our room - changing what had happened here. Masking the memory of us to try to create a new one. Before I knew it, the room was clean, and the hamper was overflowing with a soft, wonderful mess.

**POV of Tegan:**

This couch wasn't at all where I wanted to be right now. It was where all of these horrible events began. Right here, in this living room. If I had just fallen asleep instead of waiting up for Lindsey, then I would have never known she came home so late - I would have never known of Victoria. Part of me wishes that I had fallen asleep, and just never have known about the problems I would have encountered. I never would have fought with Lindsey; I never would have gone to Sara's...I never would have remembered. But this is what everything was about right now: remembering. I needed to remember what happened these past few hours. I needed to remember the expression on Sara's face; I needed to remember it all.

But then again, the other part of me just wishes everything was normal, and how it should be. Where Sara still was just an old memory; where Lindsey was still my loyal wife; where I had no problem sitting on this couch.

I shook off my thoughts, looking back at the newspaper in my hands. The date in the corner caught my eye, and as I read it, another remembrance came to mind.

"October 15th, 2029"

I drew my ears back, and my fingers gripped the paper, scrunching the sides and wrinkling it. This day...this was the day that our band officially broke up. October 15th...the day it all went to hell. The day Sara and I couldn't take it anymore - the day the fame and cameras got to our heads, and the headlines got at our hearts. It was today, that I hated autumn so much.

My phone suddenly started ringing, startling me so badly that I felt my heart skip. Recatching my breath, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and read the caller ID.

It was Sara.


	16. Chapter 16 (POV of Tegan)

My phone beeped and vibrated with distress, trying to alert me that Sara was calling. I couldn't understand why she would at all be calling me. I had seen her no more than a day ago, and she was *calling*? What could bring her to call me?

I shook my head and pressed "answer", turning down the volume as I raised the phone to me ear.

"Sara..?"

"Tegan. I need to talk to you about something." Sara said quickly. I couldn't tell whether the tone in her voice was nervous or scared or...whatever. It just felt odd.

"Sara, we can't do this, you need to-"

"Mich called me." Sara cut in, interrupting me. I fell silent from my side. Mich called her? Mich our old set director? What did he want?

Sara sighed, "He said that this crew in downtown L.A. wants us to have a kind of "reunion" performance...considering what day it is."

I looked straight ahead at the wall, trying to figure out what that means. He wants to book us a show? But...it's been so long. Sara and I couldn't do it..could we?

"What did you say to him?" I asked desperately.

Sara fell silent, making my chest heavy. "Well?!" I yelled. I didn't know why I was so angry, but maybe it was just because I actually did want to do a show, and I was afraid she had told him no.

"I...I told him we'd be up for it. I just got off the phone with him..if you want I can call him back and tell him you don't wa-"

"No. It's fine. I do want to."

Sara breathed into the phone stuttering, "You...you do?"

"Yes..I'd love for it to happen again...just one more time."

"Just one more time.." Sara repeated. When she spoke again, I could hear the smile on her face.

"Well...great! We need to be out of here by 1. Mich got us flight reservations already so I'll just meet you at the airport..I guess?"

"Sure.." I agreed. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but I really hoped it was the right thing to do.

"See ya there.." Sara whimpered into the phone.

"Bye.." I said, pressing the end button. I watched the phone blink Sara's number, and then disappear into the home screen. From there, my eyes found the clock on my screen, and I felt a rush go through my head and eyes when I realized it was 12:35.

"Shit!" I yelled across the house. I got up from the couch and started running down the hall. As I turned a corner, my body slammed into Lindsey, who was running towards the living room. We both stumbled backwards, almost falling to the ground. Lindsey caught herself, looking up at me, "Are you okay?! I heard you yell!"

"I'll tell you in a sec!" I blurted as I pushed past her to the bedroom. Lindsey stood bewildered in the hall before running to follow me.

I bursted into our bedroom, almost completely shocked by how clean it was. I stood there, scanning over every corner. Lindsey stepped into the room behind me, watching me look around.

"Uhm..." Lindsey began, "Do you like it? I've spent all morning doing this.."

It was spotless actually, but as I looked around the room, barely recognizing what I saw, I spun around to yell at Lindsey.

"What have you done!?" I screamed in her face. Lindsey was taken back, looking as if she was a turtle trying to hide away in her shell.

"I just thought-"

"What? What did you think?!"

"I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT!" Lindsey screamed back at me. I gritted my teeth and shook my head in frustration. I turned back around and ran to the closet, where thankfully, my suitcase still was. I pulled it off the top shelf and slammed it down onto the bed. Lindsey stood by the bedside watching me frantically run around the room looking for clothes and other things.

At one point, the suitcase was almost full, and when I turned around again, Lindsey reached out and grabbed my arm. I looked down at her hand around my bicep, and then up to her eyes that were wet with tears.

"Tegan...what are you doing?" She asked quietly.

"I'm leaving. I have to be somewhere." I said as I shook her off. What a stupid question; what did it look like I was doing? Having a picnic?! Lindsey reached out for me again but I was already walking across the room.

"Leaving..? Where are you going?" She asked, following me into the bathroom.

"Mich booked Sara and I a show in L.A. and I need to be at the airport by one." I said quickly, grabbing a hair brush and a pill bottle from the countertop. "So I need to hurry up and pack so I don't miss my flight."

Lindsey stepped aside as I paced back into the bedroom. I didn't have time to think about my actions, I just needed to get out of here.

"But Tegan..." Lindsey said from behind me.

"What." I demeaned, barley asking it as a question.

"I'm going to miss you.."

I turned around from my suitcase to look at Lindsey, who was standing a few feet away clutching her arm. She looked so hurt, like I had just thrown a brick at her face. I didn't know what to say to her, because my mind was so jumbled up. I just couldn't think straight.

My feet moved forward, carrying me to Lindsey to give her a strong embrace. I held her in my arms tightly, taking in ever once of her that I could before I had to let go. I pulled back, gazing into her eyes, caressing her face in my hand.

"I love you Lindsey...I love you so much and you know that." I leaned forward and gave her a kiss, only a small one though. Like a shy kiss you give someone on the first date. An innocent one.

"...but I need to do this." I turned away from her to go to my suitcase. I tried not to look at Lindsey as I carried it away from the bed and walked out of the bedroom, and disappeared out of the front door into the cold morning. From here, I didn't know exactly what I was doing or what it may lead to, but I did know one thing:

Sara was waiting for me.


	17. Chapter 17 (POV of Sara)

It was very - and let me stress _very_ - uncomfortable to meet Tegan at the airport. We both stood there in the waiting zone with our thrown together luggage, with our backs turned to each other so we wouldn't have to see the other's eyes. Tegan tried to make conversation with me a few times, but that ended very quickly. We mainly sat in silence actually, until finally a little light turned on to say that our plane was now boarding. Tegan and I resided in a small town in Canada, right above the Washington border. The flight would only take up to 2 hours, but I knew that those 2 hours would be a very long two. Tegan and I put our carry on's in the upper shelves and took seats next to each other. I sat against the window, and she sat in the middle seat. The plane was already rolling, and no one had taken the seat next to Tegan.

Thank god. I hated sitting with people I didn't know.

It only took a minute for the plane to reach the skies, and the passengers on the flight to bustle. Tegan kept looking at me in the corner of her eye, and I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking the exact same thing that I was thinking

Say something. That's all I had on my mind. I didn't want to, but neither did she. We were both just stuck on different sides of a canyon, even though I was close enough to touch her.

Touch her...my eyes looked over at her hand that was resting on the arm rest between us. It looked so soft and welcoming. My fingers felt an odd pressure against them, coming from the pure want to have another human's fingers against them. Mainly, that human being Tegan's.

I took my chance, slowly reaching up and gently placing my hand in top of Tegan's. I didn't look at her, just keeping my eyes out the window.

She didn't react to my touch, and after a few seconds, I put down more pressure on her hand, fully resting mine on hers. Right out of that, Tegan flexed her fingers to intertwine them with mine.

I looked up then, guiding my eyes over to our hands. They looked so perfect with each other, and when I looked up at Tegan. Her eyes were perfectly intertwined with mine. I knew I had said exactly what she wanted to hear, and she understood. We both understood what the other needed to say now. Our eyes held tight, and so did our hands, and the 2 hours on the plane suddenly didn't seem long enough at all.

Tegan and I sat in silence with our hands clutched close together the whole flight. I sat there in my seat, staring out the window at the clouds and blue sky. The wonderful familiar feel of Tegan's hand against mine took me back to a different day - a day years and years ago. A day back when we were just teenagers. When we both sat on the floor in Tegan's room for the first time, locked eyes and hands, not knowing exactly what we were doing or what would happen if someone found out, but didn't care. We weren't kissing, or touching in anyway bad - only holding each other in the most innocent way possible. I remember when I scooted over then, closer to Tegan to lean my head on her chest, and Tegan rested her arm on my back, cradling me against her.

It was one of the most incredible feelings, to be able to sit in silence but say everything we wanted to. Because that's just the connection Tegan and I had with each other - and after so many years later, we still had it. On this plane, in this moment - we still had it.

My eyes found Tegan, who was asleep. She fell asleep so easily, but I loved it - I could secretly just watch her without her knowing. Her hair had grown out so much ever since we last were in our band - probably as long as it was back in the Body Work days. I loved her hair long, however. It really suited her face. I never liked myself with long hair though, but Tegan always told me to grow it back out.

I touched the side of my head, feeling the stiff, dry strands on my head. Maybe I should grow it back out...but I'm not sure it'll look any better. I had tortured my hair for years, dying it a black color for a while and then going back to blonde for a short time. All the bleach and dye had dried out my hair to the point where no product could fix it. I was afraid that the people at this set wouldn't think of me the same that they did years ago...like in some way we've disappointed them for not keeping ourselves up.

I squeezed Tegan's hand lightly, taking in the feel of her skin again. If anything, Tegan still looked amazing. Her skin was soft and smooth, and her hair still had life. Probably because she had still been with Lindsey all these years, and them being together forced Tegan to keep her appearance up. A few grey hairs stuck out atop her head, and a few winkles were defined on her cheeks and forehead, but she still had a youthful appearance to her. I wish I was able to have kept it like her, but after so many years of being alone in a dark house...you don't really feel motivated to stay pretty.

Tegan slowly opened her eyes suddenly, meeting mine instantly. I smiled lightly at her, ad she did the same. One thing that had gone was the color in her eyes. They were more grey - joyless. But as our eyes kept on each other, a hint of brown came back in the slightest way possible, only where her twin could see it. My heart felt heavy from the idea that Tegan ever actually wanted to be with me, but it was a good heavy. I wanted to feel that all the time, but I knew I couldn't unless she let me.

Tegan brushed her thumb against the back of my hand, moving it slowly back and forth. It tickled a little bit.

I loved this. I loved her. And I loved us. I wanted us to be able to be real so bad, and by the look in her eyes, I desperately hoped she wanted us too.


	18. Chapter 18 (POV of Tegan)

The plane touched down in L.A. around 3p.m.. Sara told me that our show was scheduled for 7, so we still had a few hours to plan and set up. Considering we had so much time left, Sara and I headed to the hotel Mich had booked for us. It was a pretty nice hotel even though the reservations were so last minute. When I opened the door to the room, my face sunk down when I saw there was only one bed. There was at least a couch in the room that probably pulled out into a bed, but when I took the cushions off to make the second bed, there wasn't anything to pull out.

"Great..." I said aloud. Sara turned her head to look at me as she unpacked her suitcase.

"What?" She asked, obviously already knowing what was wrong.

I threw my hands out at the couch, rolling my head to the side.

"There's no pull out bed!"

"So...?" She asked.

"Well...I guess it's not really that big of a deal; it just means we'll be sharing a bed.."

Sara looked down at the bed her suitcase was sitting on, starring at the sheets. She looked confused.

"Is that okay with you?" I asked, putting the cushions back on the couch.

She shrugged, "Yeah, it's whatever."

"I can go down to the lobby and try to get a diff-"

"It's fine." She barked, cutting me off.

It didn't seem like she meant for that to come out so harshly, because the expression on her face changed to show me a look of "sorry". I pressed up my lips to show her a look of "it's okay." She understood, nodding at me, continuing to unpack her suitcase. I looked back down at the couch, shoving the second cushion back into it.

I looked around from the couch, trying to find my suitcase.

"Uh...do you know where my suitcase is...?" I asked, looking behind the bathroom door.

"Oh, I put it over there." Sara said, pointing to a space between the wall and the bed. I walked over next to the bed, finding my suitcase laying on the floor.

"Oh!" I exclaimed, picking it up and dropping it onto the mattress. Sara glared at me when the bed shook at the drop of the suitcase. Ignoring her stare, I unzipped my luggage and started taking objects out of it.

Sara seemed so...upset for some reason. On the plane she seemed fine, relaxed actually. But now she had a frustrated glow to her. Her hands gripped the objects as she took them out, almost throwing them down on the bed to move to the next. I watched her unpack in silence, moving bottles and jackets out of mine as well.

Sara suddenly threw down a shirt she was holding back into her suitcase, snarling at it. She braced herself on the edge of the bed, hanging her head down. I was taken back by her sudden frustration, standing still in my spot.

"Sara...are you o-"

"No." She said, cutting me off again. She had a habit of doing that. I just stared at her, holding a jacket against my chest in a daze, waiting for her to explain.

Sara shook her head, pressing one of her hands against her temple.

"No...no I'm not alright." She gestured around the room. "All of this; you; me - what are we doing?" She asked, squeezing her eyes.

Again, I said nothing. I didn't even understand what she was asking. The answer of _why_ we were here was obvious, but she wanted to hear something different - something I couldn't say because I just didn't know it.

"I...uh..."

"Jesus Tegan! You know what I mean! After all these years, after we promised each other we wouldn't do this again - after all the fans and critics...here we are. We're here again." Sara dropped her hands to her side, hanging her head on her shoulders. I looked to my right before biting my lip. My feet moved around the bed, walking up to Sara. I placed my hand on her shoulder, trying to reassure her, but right when I did, she shoved me back and moved across the floor.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! I can't do this again Tegan! I can't do all of this again! I can't handle it!"

"SARA! Just relax!"

"No Tegan!" She growled. Sara turned around so she wouldn't have to look at me, throwing her fists down as she screamed. "You don't get it! You had it easy - you didn't care about them! But I did, and it killed me every day to see people hating me. I just can't see it again!"

I ran up to her, grabbing her shoulders and spinning her around to face me. She fought in my hands, trying to get away from my touch.

"SARA! SARA! LISTEN TO ME!" I shook her, trying to get her sense to steady. She finally gave up, collapsing her face into my chest, sobbing loudly into my shirt with her hands over her face. I took my hands off of her shoulders and slid them down her back, holding her against me, cradling the mess in my arms. I just stood there with Sara, again saying nothing, but slowly petting her back.

"Sara...it'll be okay...it's been years since last time."

She shook her head no, keeping her face against my chest. I was trying my best to fight back the tears that wanted to come, but I needed to be strong - I needed to for Sara.

"Tonight is something that needs to happen Sara. We need to do this again - we need to stop hiding and stop living in fear." I pulled her away from me, holding her out so I could see her face. I took one of my hands and moved her face up to look at me. Her hands dropped to her sides to reveal her broken face, smeared with makeup and tears.

"It's going to be okay Sara, I promise."

Her eyes searched through mine, and right when I finally thought that I got through to her, her face twisted up into tears again, breaking away from my grasp and running towards the door. I reached out, trying to grab her, but she moved out of reach.

"Sara!" I yelled as she opened the door.

"I'm sorry Tegan!" She screamed back in a wave of tears, going through the door and slamming it closed.

And now I stood, left in the single bed hotel room, only a few hours before we were supposed to perform I front of who knows how many people. I didn't know what to do, I mean, what could I do?

"Sara..." I breathed out, watching the door in hopes she would come back.

She didn't.


	19. Chapter 19 (POV of Tegan)

I spent another hour in the hotel room before I gave up and just headed to the set. Apparently all of our instruments and equipment were going to be supplied to us, but when I got to the building, there wasn't a truck in sight. I looked around, looking down at the paper in my hand to see if I had the right place. I didn't find an address on the building, but my question was answered when I saw a poster in the window that read, "TEGAN AND SARA - THE HEARTTHROBS - OCTOBER 15TH - HERE"

We were always now referred to as the "Heartthrobs" because that was the album that we last released. It was our most successful album we had ever put out, but success leads to publicity, and that obviously didn't go very well.

I stood there, looking around at the building in the Los Angeles sunlight, shading my eyes with my hand.

"Excuse me?" A female voice whimpered from behind me. I turned around to see a woman who was probably in her mid-20's.

"Yes?" I responded.

"Are Tegan and Sara playing here tonight?" She asked, looking around at the building. "I don't know if this is the place; I figured there would be a line or something."

I turned my head up at the building, suddenly realizing something. I walked a few feet to the right, towards the corner of the building. When I was revealed the street around it, hundreds and hundreds of anxious men and women stood in a line that stretched blocks long. It wound all the way down the block, and then turning a corner. I gazed down at all the people, amazed at all of them. The line started behind a metal sigh that read, "TEGAN AND SARA LINE BEGINS HERE - DOORS OPEN AT 6:30"

I turned around to the woman who approached me, and gestured around the corner with my head. She walked up next to me, looking at all of the people. She groaned loudly, throwing her head back.

"God damnit! I hate lines like these. I remember when they didn't even have lines to their shows.." She groaned.

"You went to their old shows?" I asked, trying to play off myself.

She held her arms, looking out at the line.

"Yeah, they were my favorite band. I even met Tegan once! It was probably the best day of my life." She looked up at me. "Anyway, thanks for showing me the line! See ya!"

The girl ran off towards the line, and as I watched her go, I actually remembered her. She was at a meet and greet I think back when we had just released Sainthood. She asked me what my favorite color was.

I walked around behind the building to find a large man guarding the door; he didn't acknowledge my presence until I was right in front of him.

"Do you need something?" He asked bluntly.

"Uh...yeah, I'm here to perform." I said, looking around.

"_You're_ a Quin?" He asked, laughing almost. I was rather offended at his rudeness; surely I didn't look THAT different.

"Uh..yeah, I'm Tegan."

"Sure you are. Prove it." He declared, not finding me funny anymore. I patted myself down, searching for something to show him. I realized what I could do, so I lifted up the sleeves on my arms to reveal all of my tattoos. His eyes went wide and his expression became envious.

"I'm so sorry Mrs. Quin!"

He opened the door for me, letting me walk past him, stepping to the side.

A dedicated fan didn't recognize me when she heard me speak, and now a guard who probably had my picture didn't even know who I was. I was starting to become scared about what the crowed as a whole might say. I was starting to understand what Sara was feeling, like, she was right. She knew exactly what was going to happen, and I didn't believe her; and it was happening.

But...all of those people, they were all here to see us again. They all had come down here just to see us up on stage together. After all these years...there they are. Still fans. Still cheering.

I continued down the hallway I was in, turning a corner into a large open room that must have been backstage. Lots if bustling crew members and techies scurried around, getting ready for the set. My eyes scanned the room in hopes to find a familiar face - mainly Sara's - but as I thought, she wasn't here. I did see Mich however; he was talking to some man with a clipboard. I walked in his direction, and when he looked up and saw me, his face went wide with a smile.

"Tegan! Baby! There you are!" He happily yelled, holding out his arms in a gesture.

"Hey Mich." I chuckled, like you would respond to meeting an old ex on the street that you hadn't seen for years.

"What's up? Where's Sara?" He looked around, standing on his toes to look behind me.

"Oh uh...I'm..I'm not sure actually." I stuttered, glancing around. His face went serious, waiting for me to continue or laugh because it was a joke. Sadly, it wasn't - though I desperately wish it was.

"Wh-what do you mean _you don't know_?"

"I don't know where she is okay! She stormed out of our room like 2 hours ago and I haven't heard from her!"

Mich sucked in his lip, shaking his head. "Fuck."

Mich turned around and paced over to a crew member, mumbling something to him. The crew guy drew back, asking a question, but Mich threw down his hands and yelled something that sounded like "Just do it okay!?"

They separated, walking around to different people, all passing along the word like a game of telephone, but I just wish it all came back to me as some funny joke - because that would be the funniest thing I've heard all night; that Sara had actually come back.

She did this shit all the time; well, used too I guess. She would just bail out on everything when she didn't agree with it or it made her uncomfortable. I tried to tell her all the time that our stage lives were _staged_. They weren't real - they were all just for show. And no matter how upset we were beforehand, we needed to get out there and smile and laugh - because that was out JOB. But she never got that, and this is exactly what happens.

I found myself standing there back stage, consumed with sudden anger over my sister. I couldn't help it though - as much as I loved her, and as much as I just wanted her to be here; she made me so angry.

"Tegan!" A female voice called from behind me. I turned around in surprise, expecting to see Sara there, but instead it was just one of our past make-up directors. My face dropped as she approached me.

"How ya doin'?! I haven't seen you in forever!" She happily declared as she hugged me. Someone called for her from across the stage and she kind of went "ohp" and ran off.

I watched her run off when a hand tapped me on the back. I turned around to see a teenage boy with a press pass and a camera. The fact that he was here pissed me off; but I don't really know why.

"Could I get a picture of you Mrs. Quin?" He nervously asked. I nodded and posed awkwardly, being blinded for a few seconds by the camera's flash. He smiled and said thank you, and I grumbled a smile to him as he ran off.

My face felt warm, from both the heat of the room but also frustration. I was now horribly reminded of what being famous was like again - never having a thought to yourself, always having someone needing to talk to you; all the shit Sara and I hated.

"Tegan?" Someone asked behind me. I turned around and yelled way too loudly, "What?!" My voice echoed in Sara's face, and she shrunk down in shock. She made a little noise of question, and when I realized it was her, my body pushed forward to embrace her, squeezing her figure in my arms.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." I said into her ear, clutching her hair in my fingers.

"It's fine...just scared me a bit..." She whispered.

"No..." I said back, pulling away from her.

"Not just that. I mean also about making you go through all of this again." I took her hand in mine, gazing into her beautiful hazel eyes.

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

Sara shook her head, holding up her wrist to where her six line tattoo was.

"I'm here to play, and I'm here to do this with you." She wheezed out, trying to hold back tears. I set my jaw, watching Sara's smile grow. Again, I leaned forward to hug her. We stood there in a warm chain for a few moments, but our moment was interrupted by Mich.

"SARA! There you are!"

Sara turned to look at him, but she kept holding my hand while they talked. The fact that she would continue to show affection towards me while talking to someone here meant so much to me...because it meant she was finally accepting it.

"...and so we need to get going!" Mich finished; I hadn't heard what he said before that - I was lost in thought and surrounded by the feeling of Sara's hand in mine.

"Come on girls!" A set director yelled, "Time to take the floor!"

Mich turned and looked at both us, suddenly smiling like a proud father.

"You girls go out there and kick ass." He said, putting his hands on our shoulders. "It's good to have ya back."

"It's good to be back." I said, smiling at Mich while giving a squeeze to Sara's hand.


	20. Chapter 20 (POV of Sara)

Tegan and I stood to the side of the stage, waiting for our introduction to enter the spotlight. A man - probably the owner of the set - stood in the center of the stage talking into a microphone.

"...And I know you guys want me to get off the stage now...[crowd laughs a bit]...so may I have the pleasure of welcoming our amazing friends: Tegan and Sara!"

The crowd roared into cheering, and when the man looked over at Tegan and I and nodded, Tegan let go of my hand and started walking out, to where I followed her. The black drapes uncovered a massive room, filled to every inch and corner of jumping and excited fans. When Tegan and I revealed ourselves on the stage, the screams became louder, almost deafening. The faces I could see in the first few rows made me mimic there's - in awe. They looked like they were seeing a...god or something. They were so mesmerized about us being in front of them. I caught eyes with a few girls in the front, and I waved at them. The girls eyes went wide and they both started jumping together and waving back franticly. Their excitement made me shrink my head back in a smile.

Tegan found her way over to her mic, gripping it in her hands. She did her little "hair fix" thing that she always did before speaking into a mic.

"Wow!" She yelled into it. She scanned over the crowed with her mouth open. "There's so many of you guys!" They cheered again for Tegan. It was an amazing feeling to be back up on this stage; face being soaked with bright lights; ears being pierced with loud, intense voices. I missed all of it so much, but at the same time – all of it makes me remember why I left this in the first place. Being back in front of so many people and cameras, it makes me remember that I can never have a private moment on stage. I can never forget about where I am or what I'm doing.

"Thank you so much – all of you! For coming out and seeing us again, and waiting in that HUGE line! I'm still in shock that you would all show up!" Tegan laughed. She looked over at me for a second to see what I was doing, but then looked back at the audience. "I know Sara and I look…kinda different than we used to, but we're still Tegan and Sara! And we still remember the songs! Haha!"

"Hopefully.." I said into the mic, making a wincing face towards the audience. They burst out laughing, and so did Tegan. I laughed as well, waving my hand in gesture.

"Well, I think it's about time we get started huh?" She smiled out, making the audience go nuts over her. Even though she looked so much older, with no make-up on or any special clothes – they still loved her. They all had stars in their eyes when she spoke, and swooned when that gorgeous face of her's lit up with a smile. It was the kind of thing that I know Tegan missed, because her body language was so firm and homey – I could tell that she really loved the stage and it was something she craved to do. She was always the people person, unlike me, who usually stood silent and just added on to what she had to say. But then again, I always had liked just watching her talk. It was one of my favorite things; to see her get so into what she had to say.

"Alright, so this is a song called 'The Con!'" Tegan yelled as she started playing the cords on her guitar, stepping back from the mic. The audience went crazy, jumping up and down. Tegan smiled down at her guitar, so over taken by the joy of the audience. She stepped forward, taking a breath, getting ready to sing. I did the same, holding my fingers over the beginning cords on my guitar. Tegan played the queuing cord, and I pressed my lips to the mic, singing a song out loud that I hadn't for years. And it felt great. It felt astounding, like I was throwing up actually. This sickening feeling of emotions that just bursted from my lungs.

We had a few laughs between songs, playing several classics like Call It Off, Back in Your Head, and The First - but now we needed to play the newest we had put out, but also the most painful songs for me. The songs from Heartthrob were the ones I didn't spend much time at all writing, because they came quickly to my thoughts; they were "in the moment" kind of words. I was feeling all of the lyrics at the same time, all running through me and trampling my heart.

When I looked down at the set list, I bit on my lip when I read that the next song was "Now I'm All Messed Up". I wasn't ready to sing that again, maybe later in the set but not now. I needed more time to wait. I needed more calming time, but it seemed as though I didn't have that anymore. I remember at a set in Boston, years ago right before we released Heartthrob in the United Sates, it was my turn then to sing Messed Up. I knew since my voice hurt that I could barely do it, but I was originally planning on doing a slow, acoustic version of it. But the thought of singing that song slow, right there in front of everyone and after watching Tegan do an entire set by herself – it would have killed me. I just couldn't do it. I told Tegan that I couldn't, and she just kind of nodded at me – understanding my protest. At the time, the song was about Emy. Everyone knew it, and of course so did I – and it hurt just as bad back then. But now, after _everything _that had happened in the past few days – I knew I would fall apart if I did the slow version today. But when my eyes read over the song name again, I knew I had to do it. This is what we had planned to do and I wasn't going to bail out just because of how I felt…no matter how much it hurt. I closed my eyes as I pulled the mic to my lips.

"So this next song – Now I'm All Messed up…" The crowed _screamed, _and when I say screamed, I seriously mean it. "…we're gonna slow it down a bit tonight." I said, looking over at Tegan and nodding at her; the same nod she did back in Boston, but this time it meant something different. And by the look on her face, she understood. She knew what it meant this time. She knew this was going to be painful.


	21. Chapter 21 (POV of Sara)

The guitar riff started, and I leaned my head close to the mic, taking in one last peaceful breath.

"Stay..." I breathed into the mic. The guitar played a beat between. The audience fell silent.

"You'll leave me in the morning anyway." I closed my eyes, remembering again. Remembering was something I hated so very much, but this song always made me do it. The moments all came back to me: Tegan shaking me off of her as she left, Lindsey kissing me, all the fights and screams Tegan and I shared...

"My heart, you'll cut it out; you never liked me anyway..."

...all the times Tegan told me she hated me, just so that it would make it easier to leave. All the fans who spat on the ground in front of me after they all found out.

Tegan started in with her guitar along with the guy behind me. It wasn't Ted who was playing guitar, but I wish it was. This all felt so wrong without him. I pulled my head back, singing louder into the metal wand.

"Why do you take me down this road if you don't want to walk with me?"

The memory of when Tegan first arrived again at my house a few nights before, dragging me back into all the memories and feelings I spent so many years forgetting. And then I saw Lindsey at my door, and how Tegan left with her in a heartbeat. She just left. She didn't want to be with me. She was always right. I'm alone.

I chocked on the next lyrics, already becoming emotional about what I was saying.

"Why do you exit, go it alone when you could have just talked to me?"

All the years I spent alone, by myself in that tiny house - just to rot away without anything from my sister. I loved her so much, but she never showed it back when I truly needed it. I needed her, and she never was there.

"Now I'm all messed up-" I took a breath, easing into the words slowly and carefully, not yelling it like I used to, but speaking them with soft passion.

"-sick inside wondering where...where you're leaving your make-up."

Lindsey. I hated her so much. She got to hold Tegan every night while I cried myself to sleep in my dark, cold bedroom. She kept Tegan happy, but all she really was was a lying tramp. She didn't deserve the love Tegan laid down for her; she didn't deserve her at all.

"Now I'm all messed up, sick inside - wondering who..."

"...whose life you're making worthwhile.."

I always wanted to have been that girl, to be the one that she woke up to every morning. To see her beautiful smile in the early sunlight; to see her being happy because I was the one that she was with. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to be it so badly.

Tegan played more quickly, and when I looked over at her, her eyes were closed. She had a stiff look to her as her arm beat against the guitar at fast pace.

I whimpered into the microphone, dragging out the word to almost a whisper. "Go...go...go if you want-" I took another breath, but the line came out crackly and sad. "-I can't stop you."

I remembered the feel of the glass window as I watched Tegan get into the car with Lindsey and drive off, never once looking back at me. I let her leave, but she wanted to. I couldn't stop it.

"Go if you want, I can't stop you..."

Tegan slowed her guitar, going back to the original pace she was at. I only wished I knew what was going through her head; it would answer so many questions.

"Stay, you come back to me always anyway.."

She promised. She promised me that she would come back. She had to have wanted me in some way then.

"Leave a mark, you said you never really loved her anyway..."

When she found out Lindsey cheated on her with that Victoria girl, she told me how much she loved me; she came back to me in tears and saying she only ever loved me. But she left with her, so how could have any of that been the truth? And how come she only confessed to me finally when things went to hell for her? I just fucking hated all of these emotions. I hated this. I hated thinking. I hated her. I hated her for making me feel this way, but I loved it all just at the same time.

Now the pace picked up, and so did I, becoming almost angry because of how sad I was. The words were loud and frustrated, making some of the audience recoil.

"Why do I take this lonely road, nobody here to walk with me?!" I pounded my fist on my chest, almost literally asking the people in front of me for the answer to the question. I needed it, because I hated being so alone in this world when I wanted only one other to be in it.

"Don't want to start fresh; all over again - why won't you just comfort me-?" I had to stop myself, because I almost finished that question with a name. The name of a girl that I was singing to. And when I looked over to the girl with that name, she was already looking back at me with a tear on her face. Our eyes met then, and suddenly I could sense her. I could sense her being near me - she was here. She was here with me, playing her guitar vigorously to the voice of my broken heart. She came. She was here for me.

I turned back to the mic in numbing shock, feeling my lungs burn as I sang loud.

"Now I'm all messed up, sick inside wondering where.."

I needed her.

"...where you're leaving your make-up."

I wanted her.

"Now I'm all messed up, sick inside wondering who..."

I wanted her to want me.

"...whose life you're making worthwhile."

And I hope that she needed me too.

"Go!" I screamed. "Go!" I screamed again, giving up the "acoustic" feel to the song. I needed to give out my emotions; all the depression and angst that had bottled up in my life for so many years.

"Go if you want! I can't stop you!" A tear dripped from my eyes, wanting to take back my words. I wanted her to stay, and I should have done something to keep her.

"Go if you want, I can't stop you-GO!" I yelled even louder. I just wanted her out of my sights if she was leaving, I wanted her here or gone forever. At least then my heart wouldn't have to suffer from seeing her all of the time - happy with someone else.

"Go! Go if you want...I can't stop you. Go if you want...I can't stop you.."

The guitars slowed, and I closed my eyes again, relaxing my muscles and mind, trying to pull myself away from the reality I was facing, and focus on the place I was in, and that I needed to stage it. A camera flash shined through my eyelids, making my face jump in surprise; it'd been a while.

"Now I'm all messed up.." I began slowly, all in one exhale, kind of like a sigh.

"...sick inside wonderin' where...where you're leavin' your make-up..."

Tegan's guitar picked up again.

"Now I'm all messed up, sick inside wonderin' who..."

I took a deep breath, getting ready for the reentry. I yelled the next line in an echo of voice, reaching out to the crowd so much that I had to squeeze my eyes shut as I leaned back on my heels.

"Whose life you're makin' worthwhile!"

The voice belched from me, and I could feel my hands shake I yelled the next, "GO! Go! Go if you want!-" I shook my head as I sung, feeling the tears dripping from my face. It was completely noticeable to the crowd probably, as now there was an abundance of flashes.

"-I can't stop you! Go if you want, I can't stop you.."

I didn't have a moment to catch my breath.

"Go!"

"Please stay!" Tegan called out after me. I glanced over at her as I sang again.

"Go!"

"Please Stay!" She called again, sounding terribly desperate. I turned to look at her as I sung the next line, and she was looking right back at me, eyes soaked with sadness as well. The look in her eyes made my voice crack, and the way she cried, "You'll go if you want to!" along after me made my heart jerk. It was like she was actually telling that to me, like, she knew how much she hurts me but she needs me to stay. She wanted me to stay.

Every time I yelled at her to go, she told me to stay. She wasn't going to let me leave her, even as much as I pushed her away because it just pained me too much to see her. I loved her, and I hoped she loved me back, but I just won't ever know that for sure unless she actually just tells me.

Tegan turned away from me and closed her eyes as she tilted her head back to finish the song in the mic.

An interview came back to me then, a few years earlier when we were talking about "track by track" of our Heartthrob album - a turn over of "Now I'm All Messed Up". A sentence Tegan said that didn't mean much to me then - heck, I was actually barely listening. But I remember it so well...she said, "You're telling someone to go, when it's obvious that you want them to stay."

I stood there on the stage, clutching my heart with my tongue and oozing my voice from my eyes as the words of Tegan ran through my mind. I wanted her to stay. I needed her to, but if I wanted to be happy then I needed to make her go. I couldn't keep seeing her face and letting her make me feel the way I do when I know we'll never be able to be together.

"...I can't stop you..." I whimpered into the mic, finishing the song. The audience cheered louder than I've ever heard a voice expel. I smiled at them, stepping back a little bit; moving forward again to say a short "thank you" into the mic.

I didn't even know how I managed to sing the song correctly with so many things rushing through my mind. I looked over at Tegan, who was looking at the ground, messing with her hair. I watched her to what felt like too long of a second, so I pulled my head away and walked back up to the mic.

The show continued with 2 more songs, and then we laughed and said our goodbyes to the screaming and (crying?) group of people. Tegan and I hurried behind stage, where a huge group of staff members greeted us with applause. I was taken aback by the group, but the smile on my face made theirs grow as well.

Mich pulled from the center of the crowd, walking up to us to hug both of both of our shoulders.

"I'm so proud of you girls; you really did it." He squeezed us hard, almost teary when he pulled away.

"Thanks Mich.." I said.

"It was for you." Tegan said with a happily sad thumbs up.

I sat in the back of the dressing room alone, taping on my cell phone, trying to cool down from the set. They had supplied us with clothing before the show, and I was so pleased when I discovered my favorite brown leather jacket, that was now rather loose on me. I managed to squeeze away from the crowd of people, and be able to just sit and rest my mind in this room. I wasn't sure where Tegan was – probably just talking to different people. As I sat, I reached into my jacket pocket to retrieve my lip balm, but nothing was their besides a piece of paper. I pulled it out to see that it was a folded piece of binder paper. I unfolded it, reading the words as a sweat bead dripped from my forehead. The words made my heart stop, and not in the good way. It hurt actually. My head felt light, and I braced my arm against the chair. I looked up at myself in the mirror in front of me, looking at the expression on my face.

I looked back down at the paper, reading the words again as I closed my eyes and felt my conscience ease but at the same time, burden itself a hundred more times.

_"Sara,_

_I know things are going bad right now, but I need you to know something. No matter what happens to us; no matter what I ever do to you - I love you. Please always remember that. And when you find this, keep remembering it. I'm sorry this had to all happen._

_- Your sister,_

_Tegan October 14th, 2014"_

The date. The next day; that year, our band broke up. And Tegan knew it. She left me a letter and I hadn't discovered it until now – fifteen years later.

Fifteen years too late.


	22. Note From The Author

Thank you all so much for reading and supporting my story! It means so much to me that you guys have been enjoying my writing! But I am sad to say that "Night Out In" has been completed! There may be a sequel, but I have not started planning that yet. I will let you guys know if I do.

Please leave a review for me so I can know what you thought! And private message me any ideas you have for new stories, or any questions you had about this one.

Thank you all so much for reading!


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